It's a mixture of confidence trying to mask rejection. It's a hybrid of wanting to please and being scared of a long-time-absence reaction. It's figuring things out on your own and knowing that there are loopholes you can not fill because you aren't good enough to do so, but still you push yourself to go on, trying to be the Einstein everyone expects you to be.

And when things are becoming more and more clear each day, thinking you've got things all figured out, you find yourself tumbling back to the point where it all started and you have no choice but to re-live the cycle that has scared you and has driven you to the dark corners of near-insanity.

Then you start fighting and hiding and showing that you can live with it all over again. You start blaming and coping and crying and moving forward without knowing if the cycle will go on, or somehow someday will come to a full stop because now you can tell it's a different story. Time isn't on your side. The universe conspires for your failure.

This is the shit I am in right now, and these are the shoes that I, only I, can fit in.

Labels: whine